Pogonotrophy!

Did that word get your attention? Good. It should have. Because I wanted to write just a little bit about a major undertaking we PCV’s here in Cambodia have had the bravery (audacity?) to undertake.

It is a running theme here is that, while the Cambodian educational school system is on break, there is at times very little to do with ourselves. The stories told/personal accomplishments I have had during boredom may inspire a later journal entry. But what I want to focus on is the defining activity us men of Peace Corps Cambodia 1 have come to adopt.

Growing a beard.

What? That sentence doesn’t set all your sense afire with delight and expectation? Well! Then perhaps some background information is in order.

In a moment of extreme brilliance in May my friend Chris “Learning Khmer is Passé” Rates decided that, seeing as facial hair is considered unprofessional for a teacher, during the school break we should have a mustache growing competition. While the name “The Great Mustache Contache” was thrown around briefly, it was unanimously decided by Chris, Zach and I that it would be called “The First (Annual?) Mustachio Constachio.” We then proceeded to spread the word (our Country Director refused to send an all-PCV text, obviously failing to recognize the tremendous importance of disseminating this information as fast as possible).

The rules are simple. The contest was originally slated to start immediately in May and be debuted over Independence Day. But due to our attending the U.S Embassy 4th of July function, and the bizarre desire of some volunteers not wanting to look like complete idiots at said function, we decided on a postponement of ceremonies. So instead it was proclaimed that on July 7th we would cease shaving until the Peace Corps Inter-service Training Seminar in Phnom Penh the first two weeks of September. We would sport the beards for a week, shave around the 7th, and then have a judgment (yet to be entirely decided how/by whom). Everyone would sport their entries for a week, and the winner would be given some undefined prize (possibly a framed photo in the office?). As if any prize could outweigh the eternal glory and recognition such a victory would bring.

The response has been stellar on so many levels. There are multiple confirmed entries and anyone that isn’t participating has been assured that they need no further punishment than the innate emasculation they are bringing upon themselves. And of course the complete ostracization by all the other PCVs. As has been said ”if you thought the McCarthy blacklists were scary you haven't seen anything yet.” The hype/preparation has actually gotten completely out of control. I literally talked to Conor for 20 minutes solely about facial hair on the phone the other day (another 20 minutes last night as well...), and he said Joe had called him and talked for 30 minutes on the same topic earlier that day.

Here are some excerpts from emails/texts I have received during this epic endeavor. I will not state their sources, but rest assured their masculinity is beyond measure. Either that or we are the biggest jackasses to ever live.
o I ran into [name omitted for anonymity -Colin] in the office today and he greeted me with the ever witty comment "hey, you have something on your face", implying my illustrious beard, of course. I'm sure he just brought it up in a jealous rage since he's got nothing of the sort. but when I told him it was my entry for the contest he seemed thoroughly confused, as though he were- as shocking as it may seem- unaware of the contest.
o I think someone had brought up the idea of having the girls judge who had the best entries. But that's kinda like having a bunch of baseball players judge who gets the Heisman [the undertone here is that baseball sucks. Which I approve of. -Colin]
o Maybe the girls can have a token category like "least offensive to the opposite sex", or some other boring throwaway category for someone who's going to grow something reasonable and tame.
o I feel like Sally Struthers here, please get off the couch and donate to your mustache now. Just eight weeks of not shaving can save the lives of so many. What are you waiting for? So grow your imperials, your cookie dusters, your womb brooms, your burnsides, and mutton chops, your handle bars, your goatee's and mustachios. Insert pictures of cute toddler mustaches here. Or don't. Either way I'll see you in September.
o I cannot even come close to winning this thing due to my genes (participant is Korean –Colin), but I will still attempt it with all my heart. My facial hair will grow out whiskery like grotesque weeds but I will shun the razor for the next month.
o I truly feel, and I know others out there are of similar mindset, that this beard is the best thing I've got going on in my life out here.
o I find myself positively leaping out of the bed each morning and running to the mirror to check the progress of my growth like a 2nd grader with one of those potato spud-growing science projects.
o I took the leash off, carved out a proper stache. Can’t fathom the power this thing seems to hold. I can’t seem to look directly at it.
o I don’t know if I can lay hands on the pristine beauty of my beard that the locals have come to refer to as “God’s Country.”
o I'd say I devote a good 4-5 hours of my day to beard activities, whether they be planning my entry, discussing other entries through text message (and talking no small amount of trash), examining my progress in my convex mirror, or simply stroking it (it lowers blood pressure and stimulates follicle production while simultaneously making you look wise).
o Doing laundry just now, I leaned over the water basin and saw my reflection with the beard. Truly, not until now did I understand the tragic fate of Narcissus.
o It’s been 3 days and I cant stop checking mine in the mirror. I feel like Sam watching his mallorn seed grow. [If you are a woman and understand this reference, I will propose to you immediately –Colin]
o The beards and the contest are all we have to live for. Those who don't have them are pansies. Whoever wins should be praised without limit.
o And we really really need a great family shot with the moustaches. The best would be a laid back sweater shot as a family in front of a fire place drinking hot chocolate. As sweaters aren't easy to find here we may need to just have a well dressed coat and tie shot somewhere classy. Probably an expensive restaurant with cigars and cognac. After the picture we'll leave and not buy anything as we cannot afford to. It's that or cut offs and mesh tank tops. Both are well thought out and reasonable.
o So there’s this really little kid in my area, just started to walk and talk. Last 2 weeks he’s been fascinated by me, stumbling up, staring and laughing. Its dawned on me that mine must surely be the first beard he’s ever seen. The responsibility is staggering. I am singlehandedly shaping this boys beardly future. This could be like the first time Shakespeare read his ABC’s or the first man to play the dulcet tones of a piano for Mozart… I must tread carefully.
o "Male pogonotrophy (the growing of facial hair; i.e, beardedness) is often culturally associated with wisdom and virility." Gentlemen, it's time to be both wise and virile. Get your growth on.

...and this is still with six weeks to go. There really is no way to appropriately cover this topic. My heart is racing just writing about it… so I’ll stop here. Just let it be known that the other day I stepped things up a level and said to Conor “this facial hair thing is rapidly turning from the best thing in my life right now to the best thing in my life ever.” Truer words were never spoken.